Parent Education - March 20, 2008

Dear CBMS Parents,

 Many of you have expressed an interest in the March parent education class on behaviors and setting boundaries for children. 

I have put together the following documents for you to have and hopefully help you on those challenging days.  If I can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 Sincerely,

 Kathleen Winters

kathleen@jkwinters.com

Here is a list of behaviors that typically get our attention:

 This list consists of the behaviors that “should” get our attention:

 

Ideas or suggestions when encountering any of the listed behaviors:

  1. Ignore the misbehaviors and give attention to the pleasant times.
  2. Impose a natural or logical consequence to behavior.
  3. Give choices.
  4. Withdraw from the power struggle.  “COOL OFF.”
  5. Decide what YOU will do not what you will try to make the child do.
  6. Cooperate in one-to-one problem solving.
  7. Arrange for small successes.
  8. Use encouragement/ avoid praise.
  9. Do not give up! “Tomorrow is another day.”
  10. Set up scheduled times for one-on-one special activities: “Daddy Date Night”, “Game Night”, “Moments with Mom”

 

We also discussed in detail natural consequences quite a bit.  Make sure the consequence matches the behavior.  Here are some suggestions take from www.montessoriforeveryone.com

 Using logical consequences as a form of discipline is extremely effective, but there are some things to take into consideration when using them. I will outline them here:

1. They don't work well with young children. Children four and under (depending on the child, it could be even older) don't have a sturdy grasp of cause and effect. You can tell them that you'll take away their toy if they misuse it, but they might not really understand the implications of that. Once you give them a "consequence", they may not make the connection between that and their misbehavior. I find that consequences work best for elementary-age kids and up.

2. The consequence must be meaningful for the child. If the child decides that the pleasure of disobeying is more fun than whatever it is that you've taken away, they really don't care. It's always funny when a kid hits his brother and you take away the toy they were playing with, and then they look at you and shrug and go play with something else. Not really effective.

3. Consequences don't change a child's attitude. They may decide to outwardly obey to avoid the negative consequence, but they haven't changed their heart - they are still rebelling inside. To reach the child in a meaningful way, the consequence may need to be linked to something else – a heart-to-heart talk with a teacher or parent, or some time spent thinking about the offense and why it was wrong.

4. Consequences don't always deal with the underlying problem that caused the disobedience. For instance, I noticed a few months ago that my son was back talking a lot. I started giving him consequences (taking away TV shows, toys, etc.) when he back talked, but the behavior continued. Finally I decided to jot down the circumstances surrounding his backtalk, and it turned out to be very predictable. He back talked every time he was asked to do something that he didn't want to do.

We had a conversation about it, and once he saw what he was doing, it made a big difference in his behavior. I won't say that the back talking went away completely, but the improvement was dramatic. Also, when he did slip into back talking again, he knew WHAT he was doing and WHY. Before it was just a bad habit that he did without thinking.

5.You must choose consequences that can be enforced, and that everyone can live with. Many a child has been told by a teacher or parent, "All right, now you have to miss the field trip!" only to get to go on the field trip anyway because it was an unenforceable consequence. Think before you say it, or you might find yourself having to go back on your word.

 

It is important to use encouragement in place of praise.  Below is a chart showing the difference and what each statement is doing when used.

 

ENCOURAGEMENT       PRAISE

 

  Self- Evaluation:                                     Evaluation by others:

.“Tell me about it.”                                                  “I like it.”

 “What do you think?”

 

Addresses Deed Appreciation               Addresses Doer Expectation

          Respectful                                     Patronizing

  “Thank you for helping.”                                  “You are such a good boy!”  

. “Good job!”                                                     “ Good girl!”

  “Who can show me the proper way…?”        “ I like the way Suzie is sitting.”

 

  Empathy                                                Conformity

  “What do you think/feel?”                                  “You did it right!”

 “I can see you enjoyed that.”                              “I’m so proud of you!”

 

Self-disclosing “I” messages                  Judgmental “I” messages

“I appreciate your help.”                                        “I like the way you are….”

 

  Asks Questions                                         Should Statements

“Who can show me how we should                   You should be sitting quietly.”

be sitting when we are ready?”

 

Book Recommendations:

 

Nelson, Jane, Positive Discipline, Sunrise Press, 1985,

ISBN: 0-9606896-1-3.

 

Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Avon Books, 1980,

ISBN: 0-380-81196-0

 

Dreikus, Rudolf, The New Approach to Discipline Logical Consequences, 1991.

 

Seldin, Tim, How to Raise a Child the Montessori Way, 2006.